Dear Yvonne: I accidentally stumbled upon text messages on the phone of the man I love and was building my life around. I was devastated when I discovered that not only was he in a relationship with another woman, He was also fornicating with her. He apologized, begging, on his knees and seems sincerely repentant. He won’t let me go, should I stay and continue walking towards our marriage or should I leave him? Please, tell me what to do. J.
Yvonne says: Dear J: I am sincerely sorry you have been put through that sense of betrayal and pain. However, I cannot tell you what to do. I will however give you case scenarios’ and whatever decision you make, I will respect.
First scenario is: I acknowledge that love is a very powerful force that even when you know deep down that someone is wrong for you or it is time for you to end a relationship or an engagement, you may choose to stay.
However, let me ask you these questions: 1. you said he asked for forgiveness, have you forgiven him sincerely? Forgiving him means that should he err towards you in the future, you cannot remind him of this particular error. Forgiving him means, you cannot seek to hurt him back because he hurt you. You just cannot seek to “Punish” him so that he does not do it again and you cannot go out and do the exact thing he did to be even with him. Therefore I ask you again, do you forgive him?
- There is no guarantee that this man has ended the illicit relationship with the other woman and that he will not go back to it in the near or far future. There is no guarantee that he will not find another woman to stray with. Do you believe he is genuinely repentant? Do you trust that the grace of God upon his life will keep him from straying again? Are you certain it is really over with the other woman? You cannot start demanding to read all his text messages and go through his phone list. You cannot ask him about every call he receives, asking him who and reason for each and every call. If your answer is No! here, Can you learn to trust him again? Trust is a strong and necessary ingredient for any strong relationship/courtship and marriage. The lack of it is likened to a man or woman building without putting a roof in. Even if your trust is gone, can you two work on getting it back?
- I need you to understand that how long you date a man is not how well you know him. It is not a guarantee that you will have a successful marriage union. So therefore, have you prayed? Are you still praying? Please do not tell God what you want and He should endorse it, whether or not it is HIS good will for your life. Ask God that only His perfect will for your life should be done. That if you are in the wrong relationship, may His grace pull you out in Jesus name and if it is the right man, may His grace help grant you both the true healing you need and grace and faith to forge ahead into a happy and successful marital union.
Dear J; when you pray and you are convinced that you should forgive this man, please listen. There is no guarantee that if you leave him, a better man will come along because the grass is not always greener on the other side.
What many people find out is; when a man and a woman is trying to court you, he or she is in his/her best behavior and seems perfect at first. When you get to know them better, they may be just as bad as the previous relationship you walked away from or even worse.
To balance this; I am not condoning immorality or infidelity. Everyone deserves to be with a life partner who is faithful to them for the rest of their life, right from the point of wooing to courtship to marriage. You shouldn’t settle for less.
I still believe there are still some faithful men and women out there. Not everyone cheats. You should therefore not ingest that idea and believe it; rather, you should discard the mantra that every man cheats.
Whatever decision you arrive at my dear; you are the one whose life will be greatly impacted by it. Whoever you marry, it is you who will live with him not anyone else. You must not ignore things that kick against your core values just because all your friends are getting married and you are facing pressures to marry too, then you marry that person, against your better judgment. Please, prayerfully make the best decision for you.
Marriage is built on God, Love, Trust, Friendship and Respect. Whoever you choose, let him know that fidelity is one of your core values and if he wants to make you his wife and mother of his children, he should respect you implicitly and be faithful to you.
It is well with you dear one. Thank you for contacting me and allowing me to share your story. God bless you.
Until next time readers; I love you with the love of God. Shalom!