Dear Yvonne: My name is John and I am a committed and born again Christian. I will go straight to the point. I like two women and for different reasons.
Nneka is decent; however, she is not attractive. She is not exactly “my type” or what I prayed for in a woman. She is the kind of woman that walks into a room and everyone looks away, until she starts to speak and you realize how intelligent and well-mannered she is. She also has a good career that is well-paid.
Joy on the other hand is gorgeous and the woman I can proudly show off. She is however sometimes very rude to people, although she tries so hard to keep that side of herself, well hidden from me. (I must add that she is never rude to me; she is actually very polite and kind to me).
In addition, Joy acts like she is not ready to settle down. She also does not have a job yet and she comes from a family that has neither money nor bankable assets.
I was going to ignore Joy’s rudeness, amongst other things and ask her to marry me, however, when Nneka joined the department I serve God in church, I got to know her better and got confused.
They are both born again Christians and seem to genuinely like me. I am however confused on who to propose to? My saving grace is that I have not already made any proposal to Joy. We are all just friends but I am ready to settle down and need to look beyond my emotions.
Please, I am waiting to read from you. Thank you Yvonne.
Yvonne Says: Dear John; Thank you for writing in and for permitting me to share your story via this platform.
I do believe that one should find his/her would be spouse physically attractive in some way or ways.
You are flesh, marriage is for the flesh. There is no marriage in heaven. There should be something in you that pull you to your spouse; that leads to the consummation of the union and brings forth your offspring within the marriage union. There is therefore nothing wrong in your desire to be attracted to your would be wife, however please; physical attractiveness is not the main basis to marry.
I cannot categorically tell you who to marry because you, not I, will live with her. It is your decision but you need to prayerfully adjust the criteria you have set in choosing your bride. You have the wrong mentality, in weighing the financial assets Nneka has and the non-financial assets Joy seems to be lacking.
How successful the would be spouse is, is not a reason to marry. How wealthy or the bankable assets the would be spouse’ family owns is not a good reason to marry.
The truth is; nobody knows nor owns the future. What if you married Nneka for her family’s wealth and assets or for her own wealth and assets and something happens in the future and she or her family loses everything and become penniless, what then? Would you leave your wife? Would you live a life of “Had I known this would happen, I would not have married her?’’
You should marry someone for who she is. Not just because you love her. Love is a strong emotion that binds, Yes! However, in marriage, sometimes you may wake up and that emotion has mellowed down and you are now more alert and rational.
Marry someone that when you look at who she is at that calm state, you like her. Her habits; her character, the way she does things, the way she adds value, peace and joy to your life and the people around her and around you; the way she encourages you in the bad times and how she calms you down when you get in a foul mood. That is the kind of woman you should look for as a wife. (Women, a man that has these good qualities is who you should agree to marry; not a prince charming who is popular, rich and well-connected but gives you nothing but heartache, be warned!).
I mentioned this earlier and it bears repetition; John, you need to change your mentality on the criteria of a good wife. Money or beauty alone is not enough reason to marry anyone and you as a born again Christian should not base your decision on these or you may end up with the wrong spouse.
May God help you be the right man to find the right woman.
N.B; I hope this new year started on a bright note for you and as our Bishop in Trem, Bishop Mike Okonkwo has heard from God and decreed on us that This Is Our Year Of All Sufficiency, I pray that it comes true in all our lives in Jesus precious name, Amen.
Happy 2016! And until next time readers, I love you with the love of God, Shalom!